Nothing justifies how I feel...

He says he's done
sick of me


I told him I wouldn't give up on him
he said not to waste my time


:[

I feel so happy. I feel at home. I haven't felt at home since first grade.

I'm home, finally.



</deathdouspart>

If I were alone, I'd probably be bawling.
Everything that happens in it is just so...real. So very, very real.
And sad.
And it makes you think.

Like in last week's episode, a death-row guy wanted to die in the hospital so he could give his organs to a dying kid...but it's illegal to "let" someone die in a hospital...Meredith was going to let him die, but he panicked when he was about to die, and they ended up saving him... Five days later, he was executed and they disposed of his body without taking the organs.

It was so sad.



I'm cold now.





In other news, I'm getting married to Nicholas on July 8th.

What we'd be like when we're old.
And how gorgeous our child would be.
He's totally changed my viewpoints recently.
It's crazy.

So, so crazy.

And inspiring.

Not quite yet motivating...but it's really getting there.



He makes me feel alive.
Like I want to live!

It's mind-boggling.
I love it.
I love him.

He says it won't ever end again..I hope he doesn't change his mind.
I want to see it all.

The Air Force doesn't want him now that his stepdad decided he doesn't want Laurie and took away his loan.

So now he's doing Army.


ARMY.


I want to cry.





I hate America. This isn't fair.

STUPID FUCKING MILITARY.
WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING JOIN.
I HATE THE MILITARY MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY COMPREHEND! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT YOU JOINED.

It's not fucking fair.





I hate it, I hate it so much.

"You said Derrick and I wouldn't make it."
"Yeah, and then I got karmically IMPALED."



That made my day.

Except my thumb is still sprained.
Haven't told my mum. I say I hit my hand on a cabinet when I accidentally say "ow"...


Can I do this for four years?
I can't....be alone anymore, even though I'm not.
And anything could happen to him while he's their property...
They don't care if he dies...




"Reality...It's so much more interesting than happily-ever-after..."

Nicholas
i will be all yours once college is finished...you have me for the summers too...and the breaks during the year...

Alexandra
You have family too...I can't hog all your freetime...

Nicholas
you can come with me to visit them...

Alexandra
I don't think they'd want me there the only times they get to see you

Nicholas
do you think i care? you are a part of my life now. more than you were before. so if they don't want to see you, then they're saying that they dont want to see me either...

Alexandra
You really feel that way?

Nicholas
yes. i do.

Alexandra
...i love you. <3<3

Nicholas
i know. that's why i'm not giving up trying to convince you that i'm not going to abandon you

Alexandra
Thank you...

Nicholas
you are most welcome.
do you trust me a little bit more now?

Alexandra
A little

Nicholas
yay! a small victory for love!!!...
ok...
random gushy moment over...

Alexandra
xDD
I love you. again.

Nicholas
i love you too <3

I don't know what's going on inside me since my last night with him. While I was saying goodbye, my eyes started crying without my permission.
"Are you crying?"
"I don't know!"
"I love you."

Now he's off at college.
Arizona.
Prescott.
Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University.
And I have bite marks on my neck, haha.

I decided what I'm going to do with myself.
I'm starting harp again.
I've sent in a work application for Walgreens.
I'm going to get my license.
I'm going to learn to cook and do laundry.
I'm going to take karate and Japanese all year.
I'm going to practice piano.
I'm going to clean out my closet.
I'm going to get my GED.
I'm going to organize my jewelry and get rid of ones I don't want.
I'm going to find it in me to finish Breaking Dawn.
I'm going to read the books Nick gave me.




So this year...is semi-full.

When he said "I have to go," I started shivering like crazy.
Still am.
Got worse when I closed the front door on him.

Post-abandonment syndrome?

I let my feelings scramble my brain again, and now I'm so scared.
He'll leave again some day, I know he will.

Could I really handle that as well as I try to believe I could?

Ack, I can barely type I'm shaking so much.




I love him so much.
It's not fair.
And I really try so hard to believe he loves me just as much.
But my head keeps going back to the door closing.





I went to Skate City with him after Amanda's party today. Corey works there now, Dustin's going out with Kim, I love Kim's older sister....still hate Kim.
Kim's older sister: So are you and Nick dating? ::Wink::
Me: Yeah. :]
Her: His last girlfriend...::voice trails off::
Me: Hm?
Her: ::Whispers to me:: You are a LOT cuter than her, let's just say.
xD

Me and Dustin were like the only people there that didn't work there. It was fun.
We all went to Village Inn afterward and had pie.
We raced his coworkers to Village Inn. xDD Nick got second and we thought one guy died 'cause he took so long.


Oh, and my new name is Twitch because I kept starting to shiver throughout the night.

::High off of her favorite brand of heroin.::

In my nightmare last night, he left me again right before my parents died in a car accident.
I wanted to kill myself even after I woke up.

So then I spent the entire day with him.


I'm addicted.
Who needs drugs when you have a freakin' real Edward.


But in other news, some guy that works at Skate City bought me Starbucks today. And I mad friends with pretty much everyone there.


He forgot to hug me goodnight, and then he apologized and said he'd hug me next time he saw me. xD


::Crooked smile::
Mum says I'm glowing and I've stopped eating, so I'm screwed now.

I'm screwed.



I love it.
xD



Things shouldn't work this way.




My heart's like "FUCK NO"
and my head's like "FAIRYTALE ENDING"
and my body's like wth.


::Takes deep sigh and ribs break:: x_X
Mosh pits are great, no?

It's like now that I have hope, I need it. I need to be in contact with him. One hour of no texting and I start missing him. I miss him unbelievably. It's...weird. Maybe I'm addicted to hope. Because I wasn't this desperate before.

But I still don't believe he'll come back for me.
He's leaving for college on the 20th. In Prescott, Arizona.

Do you think he really cares enough to wait for me when there are all those college girls?

There was a reason I came here.
Besides the fact that I might stab myself out of boredom.

...well I'm kidnapping myself to Alex's tomorrow.
I'm excited.

Hmm. I'm really hungry but I don't want to eat
Mum says I do that when I'm in love.


I want to go see Prince Caspian.




"If I wasn't mad, this would probably never work."

In other news, Nick says he's going to make everything right again. I can't help but not believe him, but I can't stay away from him. Hmm.
I'm looking forward to the opening of Breaking Dawn. It's going to be awesome.

Now please kidnap me.

Reading that...
it was me.
it is me.

It broke my heart.



"It will be as if I never existed, he'd promised me.
I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface.
[october]
[november]
[december]
[january]
[chapter 4. waking up]
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."



Except my blank chapter lasted longer. March, April, May, June, July, and August.


I understand it as much as her still...

And I stop being able to fake as soon as I admit I'm lost.

"You looked...empty...today."
Time to practice smiling again.





I really...don't know why I am sad.





I need to get kissed or something, haha! That always makes normal people feel better, no?
Plus, this sadness is so pointless.

My mum is all worried about me now.
:/
I lost track of time, in more ways than one. That screwed up a few things in my head.
It made me feel SICK of all things. That cold sweat you get when you're about to pass out.
And that's freakin' crap.
I should be fine by now, after all that being sick over nothing.

I bet she's more mature than me.
"I won't ever leave you" my ass.
ARGH.
What the hell do I care for.
It's been a year. Maybe even more, since I seem to have amnesia.
I'm over it!!

In other news, William has moved back. I want to go find him, tackle him to the ground, demand why he never called, then I'll probably start crying then he will too because he always did think it was his fault whenever I cried by him... But then again he could not even remember me by now...
I miss him more than the jerk.
William ... I can't blame him. It's not possible. He acquired too much of my heart for that.
I miss him so much, after so many years.
Maybe I just never heal, haha.

Excuse me while I go lie in bed and try not to dream out the future again.

What if I pushed too far, and what I was meant for is now beyond reach?
I still cry about that day sometimes. I still dream about possible moments.
I still relive moments in my mind.
I miss not how I felt...it was something more.

But I'm not telling anyone, I'll just be happy. It makes everyone else happy.

What I don't remember is anything after that day...and that bothers me.
Like I was on a dark autopilot...
For a long time.
Everything is gone, the moment the door closed until I left for San Diego.
So...empty.
And then I left it empty and started a new bucket.
Which was starting to fill up.
But it feels like it spilled.

But I'm still happy.
Lonely, empty, happy, angry.
I realize I have a great life. Is that why I'm happy?
Is it because I feel I need to be?
People aren't supposed to forget their teenage years. They're supposed to forget their childhood.
People aren't supposed to forget every negative interaction.
Maybe that's why I'm happy. Ignorance to my own memories.



All these thoughts because my subconscious decided to make me dream.
That's freakin' crap.

Squishy
Fluffy
Sukoshii
Kyoto
Emeril
Ralphie
Earnest
Thomas
Amanda
Emma
Steph
Adeana
Brianna
Chris
Colin
Tyler
Mireille
Richard
Sensei
Jessica
Lanna
Jaque
Kristin
Alex
Sarah
Julia
Garrett
AJ (boy)
Billy
the ermine and rabbits in my yard
snow and cold
kahlua
my room
Taro
Kitty
...I think that's it? xD I miss more than I thought I would.

In short, this trip makes me want a pet squirrel, a statue of Cupid and Psyche, and to go to Japan in the winter and the Arctic in the summer. Oh, and Italian boys will hit on you if you look out a window.

Is to be a better person.
I haven't been a very good person lately... But I've managed to gain back a friendship I've valued so much...and I'm trying to fix something else I did.

But I also realized...I've stopped trusting everyone. Can I still be a good person, a good friend, when I don't trust anyone?
I want her back completely. While we were separated, I had dreams every night about her.
I don't think she trusts me.

When the leaves start to turn, there's so much to learn from the freeway...

I will be gone all summer... If you try to call me, my phone will be off. I'm going to make a new start. And most likely, I will be homeschooled next year. So if you want to see me during the school year, you'll have to actually try. I understand if you don't, though.

I think...I need to go somewhere new. The people I would regret leaving the most are Amanda, Jaquelynn, Emma, and Brianna...
ugh.
I've been waiting for the sun and the green.